Cleric Aa Gym rekindles polygamy debate

Monday, December 04, 2006
The Jakarta Post, Jakarta


Cleric Abdullah "Aa Gym" Gymnastiar rarely speaks on anything other than Islamic teachings, but Friday found him addressing his congregation on software, of all things.
Not that he wanted to jump from being a turban-sporting cleric to a techno-savvy one. He was using computers as an analogy for the differences between men and women's sex drives.
"Women tend to be monogamous, that's how their 'software' is ... But men, you know... their 'software' is different," Aa Gym said in his interactive sermon when asked whether he had taken a second wife.
Then, on Saturday and again Sunday, he confirmed he had taken a second wife and said he was sorry if he had made any of his admirers "uncomfortable" or had "hurt and disappointed" them.
But he did not apologize for practicing polygamy, saying he was concerned that it was seen as a vice, with the men who practiced it mocked. He said he believed that polygamy was allowed under certain circumstances.
"At the same time, all around us, promiscuity is rampant, children being born out of wedlock is tolerated," said the father of seven children, with first wife Ninih Muthmainah, and step-father to the three children of new wife Alfarini Eridani.
Aa Gym added that he would not generally recommend polygamy, however, as it was "not an easy thing" and that he was still struggling with it.
During the New Order regime, polygamy was strictly banned for civil servants, as then first lady Tien Soeharto was a fierce opponent of polygamy.
But polygamy has never disappeared, with several public figures, such as former vice president Hamzah Haz, musician Rhoma Irama and restaurateur Puspo "Wong Solo" Wardoyo, having more than one wife.
The debate over polygamy rages in theological quarters, with traditionalists saying that is allowed under Islamic teachings and that the Prophet Muhammad practiced it. But many progressive Muslims reject it, regarding it as a form of female subjugation and saying that the Koran should be interpreted in keeping with the times.
Muslim scholar Musdah Mulia said that while Aa Gym had the right to practice polygamy, he should not have used religion to justify it or regarded it as a sign of righteousness.
"Don't bring religion into this. Polygamy was allowed in a period when people were still uncivilized. Now it's not in line with ethics and values," said Musdah, an Islamic jurisprudence professor.
She said Islamic teachings emphasized treating other human beings, including wives, fairly and kindly.
"Practicing polygamy means committing violence against wives and children, as they will feel disappointed, abandoned and lost, which are forms of violence too," Musdah said.
She said Indonesia should follow the example of other Muslim majority countries like Morocco, Turkey and Tunisia and ban polygamy.
"Morocco and Tunisia officially adopted sharia law, but they banned polygamy as the ulemas saw the practice as bringing more bad things than good," she said.
Muslim scholar Abdul Moqsith Ghazali said Aa Gym had violated the Islamic Law Compilation as well as the 1974 Marital Law.
"There is no reason for Aa Gym to practice polygamy as the laws stipulate that a man can take second wife only if the first wife does not carry out her duty, like abandoning her children, or is disable or infertile," he said.
The debate over polygamy should be ended, he added.
"Although Aa Gym did not suggest other men follow his suit, as a public figure, his behavior will influence others, which cannot be controlled by Aa Gym," said Abdul. –

With additional report from Yuli Tri Suwarni, Bandung

Labels: Islam

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Plain talk urged for Islam-West dialog

Thursday, November 23, 2006
Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

Dialog is widely seen as the key to bridging the increasing divide between "Islam" and the "West".

However, talk can be cheap and much of it has been criticized as a form of "Band Aid
diplomacy", where people pat each other on the back but don't really say what they feel.

An international conference themed "Challenging Stereotypes in Europe and the Islamic World" here Wednesday called for dialog that emphasized more "frankness and sincerity".

Ulrike Knotz, who heads Germany's Federal Foreign Office task force on dialog with the Islamic world, proposed an intercultural dialog where people come together with respect, to get to know and even like each other.

"This dialog is not supposed to be 'a dialog about dialog', but will deal with topics of interest to both sides," she told the two-day conference that started Wednesday.
However, Knotz said the success of intercultural talks largely depended on how credible policies in other areas were -- the unresolved Middle East problem along with issues related to immigration and integration and the global economy.

"Credibility means calling a spade a spade, stating the crux of the matter, showing the foundations for political action and pointing out what interests are at stake," she said.

Knotz called for people to stop using the phrase "clash of civilizations" when discussing real conflicts of interest.

Indonesian Foreign Minister Hassan Wirayuda said existing dialog had proceeded mostly at the intellectual level among opinion-makers.

"But it is also important to promote intensive dialog at the grassroots level because it is at that level that the most constructive forms of community building can be carried out. It is also at that level that violence born of prejudice can break out and spread," he said.

Din Syamsuddin, the chairman of Indonesia's second-largest Muslim organization Muhammadiyah, called for the involvement of hardline and extremist groups in the dialog.

So far the dialog had only included the moderates, he said.
However, the moderates complained it was often difficult for them to discuss differences with conservative or hardline Muslims.

Meanwhile, Muhammad Ismail Yusanto, the spokesman for Hizbut Tahrir Indonesia -- a conservative Muslim group -- said he was skeptical such meetings would bear fruit while an American hegemony and global imperialism existed.

"It seems to be difficult if not impossible to conduct it, because the dialog implies the West will have to cease its current global imperialism," he said.
"If there is no way for fair dialog, then the only other choice is to clash ... And there is no other way for Muslims except to face (this choice) bravely and have tawakkal (trust) in Allah."

However, British Muslim scholar Shaykh Muhammad Bilal Abdallah urged greater Muslim participation in the political and democratic process if Muslims wanted their voices heard on the issues that matter.

"Muslims need to disentangle themselves from all forms of reactionary positions whose features include intolerance, literalism, extremism and the constant urge to control and limit free expression and creative thinking," he said.
Western governments, meanwhile, needed to identify common values and work in partnerships with the Muslim world, so that their people could address the myths and fears surrounding Islamic communities, Abdallah said.

Labels: Islam

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'Muslims suffer most from London attacks'

Saturday, July 23, 2005

The July 7 attacks on London, followed by four minor explosions two weeks later, have put British Muslims -- numbering around 1.7 million of a total population of 60 million -- in an uncomfortable situation. The Jakarta Post's Hera Diani talked to secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain Sir Iqbal Sacranie on the sidelines of the Bali Interfaith Dialog that ended on Friday.
Below are excerpts from the interview:

Question: What is your comment about the explosions in London on Thursday?
Answer: We had hoped that the July 7 was the last attack in London. But a repetition has taken place. We hope and pray that the criminals behind these attacks will be apprehended.
What about the sentiment towards Muslims in Britain after the July 7 bombing?
The Muslim community ... have been trying to play an important role in mainstream society. There are many, many positive developments taking place. Laws have been changed in the country that now makes it illegal to discriminate against any religion. Participation in the community, in terms of engagement in government, police, non-governmental organizations and other faith communities have also progressed extremely well.
Now, with such a tragic strike in London, and with the criminals who carried out the atrocities being Muslims, the impact on the Muslim community is even greater. We've been trying to put out the message that Islam is a religion of peace. It motivates us to work for the good of society. Because Islam tells us that we've got obligations to society at large.
Yes, you look after the needs of your community, which has been deprived. The Muslim community has three times the number of unemployed as other people. Education-wise, British Muslims, particularly from Bangladesh, are at the lowest in terms of achievement. In terms of poverty and housing issues, the Muslim community has suffered most. But we have to deal with this. After 7/7, the community has been in focus once again. Of course, there were some Muslims who died, and many Muslims were injured. Sixteen different nationalities are affected. With these acts of terror, all of us are involved.
Now, we believe that those who carried out the atrocious acts are not just enemies of mankind, but enemies of Muslims in particular. Because they targeted areas with big Muslim concentrations, but also (in terms of) the backlash, Muslims are suffering the most. The extreme right-wing groups in the UK are now exploiting this tragedy, targeting Muslims. Through their websites, they are trying to give a very false image of Muslims, saying that this has something to do with the religion and the teaching of Islam, which is not true.
We also have extreme right-wing commentators who write very negatively about Islam and the teachings of Islam in the media. Language like Islamic terrorist/fundamentalist/extremist is wrong. You don't mention the IRA as Catholic/Christian terrorists. To face these challenges, the best way is to distinguish ourselves from Muslim extremists. Condemn them because they have nothing to do with Islam. The purpose of the perpetrators of these evil acts was to divide the community in the UK. They should not be succeed in this.
How did the Muslim community react to the terror attacks?
In certain parts of the country, there are feelings of fear. The community ... cannot comprehend how somebody could do that. They're still absorbing the shock. Now, they need to think about what are we going to do now. As Muslims it's our responsibility to prevent the attacks from taking place. The community is more vigilant, if we find something we report it to the police.
What is the position of Muslims in Britain compared to that in other countries, such as the Netherlands?
The position is much, much better than any other European country. Laws in Britain give protection against discrimination, policies are gradually getting better and interfaith relations are much better than any other European country. There has been tremendous progress in the last five years. Before, we were classified as groups of black, brown, Asian, Pakistani, now I can say that I'm a British Muslim. In the government, Muslim community is gradually coming up, with three elected members of parliament, four member of the House of Lords, and there are many Muslims on boards of government, police; very diverse people in different positions.

Labels: Islam

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Adapting Koran to current realities

Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

For a 34 year-old, Muslim preacher-cum-gender activist Siti Ruqoyyah Ma'shum has been through more than most women her age in the marital department.
Growing up and living in the strict Islamic boarding school surroundings of the small, poor regency of Bondowoso, East Java, Ruqoyyah was forced to marry a son of her father's cleric colleague when she was barely 15 years old.
Arranged since she was a toddler, the marriage, however, ended in divorce as her husband and his family could not accept the fact that Ruqoyyah was as a better and more popular preacher than her ex-husband, she said.
She moved on to husband No 2. A well-educated politician and seemingly pious, he turned out to be an abusive partner who also practiced polygamy. The second marriage also ended, but not after Ruqoyyah said was a long, agonizing and discriminatory process in the religious court.
For many women it is often through these bitter, first-hand experiences that they realize the continuing discrimination practiced against their sex. The difference with Ruqoyyah, however, was she wanted to make sure other women around her would not have to go through the same fate.
Ruqoyyah uses regular Islamic gatherings not only as the venue to spread Islamic teachings but also as an opportunity to campaign for gender equality and equity.
"I regularly teach all-woman congregations, from children to the elderly. Apart from preaching, I also make myself available to them for consultations on anything, from religious issues to marital problems. This is where I familiarize gender issues to them," said the softly spoken activist.
Islamic boarding schools are places where the patriarchal culture is deeply entrenched, but Ruqoyyah benefits from her position as a respected figure, given her experience in preaching.
"It's a matter of a good approach. We can't just use sophisticated gender terms -- we need to explain the substance. We must not confront (the ulema), but instead be very well-mannered, and respectful -- especially to the elderly clerics," she said.
Ruqoyyah's approach has won the heart of many male clerics and she is often invited to preach to all-male congregations as well. Despite a strongly chauvinistic culture, with polygamy practiced widely, many ulema were not resistant to her progressive ideas, she said.
However, other ulema had challenged her by attacking her campaigning when they shared podiums, attempting to discredit her and her ideas.
"I usually come to them, asking them not to attack me in public, because that means deceiving people. There is a change, somehow. At least some preachers don't use sexist humor that much anymore," she said.
Ruqoyyah first rose to prominence as a preacher in 1989 as her then father-in-law saw her potential and nurtured her, teaching her public speaking and sometimes asking her to be his substitute.
"My late father was well educated; he graduated from Al Azhar University, Cairo. But he still bowed to the patriarchal culture in the boarding school," said the mother of a teenage son.
Her father-in-law's attention, however, sparked her first husband's and relatives' jealousy, who said it was unethical for a woman to outshine her husband.
Other challenges also came from women who, being mistresses or other wives, condemned Ruqoyyah's progressive ideas.
"I let them be. I just let women know their own rights and the consequences of their choices. I don't teach women to be harsh to their husbands, or ask second wives for a divorce.
"On the other hand, if women accept polygamy, I always tell them not to whine or speak ill of their husbands but accept their situation," she said.
Ruqoyyah fought back against her second husband who, she said, frequently beat her, did not give her financial support, sexually assaulted her and eventually married another woman while he was still married to Ruqoyyah.
Only then did Ruqoyyah realize how insensitive and sexist the legal system was here to a woman filing for divorce. The process was lengthy, the judges and lawyers smirked at her, and when the process was finally completed after three years, there was no alimony -- the foregone conclusion when a woman files for divorce.
"That's why many women who are financially dependent on their husbands never file for a divorce, no matter what. There are many weaknesses in our legal system with regard to women ... But I wanted to at least show (people) that nobody is above the law and no one can treat women unjustly," Ruqoyyah said.
Single now, she is actively involved in several organizations, including Puan Amal Hayati and the Wahid Institute, which are affiliated with Nahdhatul Ulama (NU), the largest Muslim organization in the country, as well as women's organizations such as Rahima.
The frequent training and workshops provided by these organizations have made her articulate in conveying her ideas about the issues of contemporary Islam. She also hosts a regular radio program on Islam and gender, travels around the country and has also been to the United States for an interfaith dialog.
Her hometown, the poor Prajekan village in Bondowoso, however, is where her heart is.
Asked about the toughest case she had ever been involved in there, Ruqoyyah said it was when a grandfather raped his granddaughter and the fifth-grader became pregnant.
The girl's family came to Ruqoyyah for help as there was no institution helping to empower women in the town.
Ruqoyyah advised the family to allow the girl to abort the child, although local ulema condemned this as haram (unlawful and sinful).
"Sometimes local figures are insensitive and follow the (religious) texts too strictly. But this girl was so young, she had a long journey ahead of her. We couldn't marry her to the father, either, as it was her grandfather, and besides, the pregnancy was only one month old," she said.
A clinic they went to objected the abortion at first, but then agreed to do it free of charge, as the family was poor.
The girl is still at school and is a regular member of religious gatherings led by Ruqoyyah.
The grandfather still lives in the area, although he has been ostracized by the local community.
"People need us to provide solutions. In a case like that, we cannot preach. I often tell my congregation that religious texts cannot be changed, particularly the Koran. But the interpretation can and must be adapted to current realities," she said.
Her sincere wish is to return to her school, delayed because of her forced marriage.
"I always tell my son when he's lazy to go to school, look at ummi (mom); I'm old but I'm eager to go back to school," she said, laughing.

Labels: Islam, profile, women's right

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Gender expert Musdah speaks within reason

Sunday, October 03, 2004
Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post,Jakarta

Siti Musdah Mulia has raised the ire of many for her boldness in criticizing some aspects of Islam considered sacred.
Take, for instance, her views on the jilbab (head covering), which she herself wears, but says is an entirely personal decision, with no directive demanding it.
As for polygamy, the 45-year-old gender and religion expert notes that it has been prohibited in Tunisia, which has a constitution based on sharia law, as a crime against humanity.
"It's very interesting how the ulema there came to the decision. They have seen the social excess from polygamy and they think only a prophet can achieve the fairness (in the respective marriages) that is a prerequisite of polygamy.
This is no shallow babbling from a pseudo intellectual or a "celebrity" activist, for the mother of three has studied Islamic teachings all her life.
Born in Bone, South Sulawesi, she was the top doctoral graduate in Islamic political thinking at Syahid Institute of Islamic Studies (IAIN Syahid) in Jakarta, as well as the first woman to hold a PhD in the field.
Now a lecturer at her alma mater, the mother of three is also the author of several books, including on contemporary Islam, Islamic public policy, gender equality and polygamy.
She is the director of religious research and social affairs at the Ministry of Religious Affairs, and her team has just completed the counter legal draft of the compilation of articles under Islamic law.
The latter will likely spark anger among some clerics, as several articles go against existing concepts, including allowing interfaith marriages and giving the right of a woman to divorce her husband.
Musdah will probably take any attacks in stride, for she has been fearless in fighting for gender equality and attempting to shift religious thinking to be more accommodating to the human aspects of an issue.
She said conservative people "used to annoy me, but now I pity them. I think their narrow-mindedness is due to limited access (to knowledge) and the opportunity to see the other side".
But it still hurts when she is labeled a tool for Western concepts.
"That makes me feel so sad. I don't need people to pay me to fight for humanity, to formulate Islamic teachings that are more friendly to women," said the secretary-general of the Indonesian Conference on Religion and Peace (ICRP) and director of the Religion and Gender Evaluation Institute (LKAJ).
Here is an excerpt of an interview with Musdah last week.

Question: What was the reason behind the issuance of the counter legal draft of the compilation of articles under Islamic Law (KHI)?
Siti: The compilation is a positive law in Indonesia. It is stipulated in the 1991 Presidential Instruction and has been the guidance for all the judges in the religious court.
However, many articles in the compilation are no longer able to accommodate contemporary issues.
There are no stipulations for issues like illegitimate children, or the now rampant cases of domestic violence. Settlement of the cases has been very biased because the judges have no reference (to draw upon).
And then there is the prohibition of interfaith marriages. With the globalization process, it is inevitable that people are easily connected with each other. Why is it banned while even the ulema have different perspectives on that matter?
Therefore, the compilation needs to be reevaluated. It has been 13 years since it was stipulated. Many things have changed in our society within that period.
This counter legal draft will certainly cause anger among the ulema.
I bet (laughs). But let them be.
People always say that religious teachings are final, it's God's law, no need to tinker with them. That statement especially arises during the discussion of marital law.
I tell them that the whole marital law is manmade, none of it is a fax from heaven. Why be afraid? God won't get mad, He's very wise.
Yet there are people with access and education (to knowledge) who are still conservative.
That's because they don't want to use their reason. People use their logic and reason for everything, except within the religious scope. But religion demands people to use their reason so that it is not something that is taken for granted.
There are many verses in the Koran which criticize people who do not use their logic: "Do you really want to follow the perspectives of your parents.. your ancestors?". That can be interpreted as "Are you not willing to use your reason?" Religion is a very rational thing.
How long did it take you to realize there are many religious misperceptions?
I grew up in a very strict Islamic boarding school environment. My grandfather is a noted ulema. My parents didn't allow me to befriend non-Muslims. If I hung out with an ethnic Chinese friend, a Christian, they ordered me to shower afterwards.
Contact with men was prohibited, I could not laugh hard -- everything was under tight control. But at that time I believed that was the right way.
The turning point came when I took a postgraduate program about the history of Islamic concept. The religious concept was taught critically, with reason.
As I had the opportunity to visit Islamic countries all over the world, I saw that Islam had many faces. It opened my eyes that some of what my grandfather and the ulema taught me in the boarding school had to be reevaluated. Some of it was right, but the rest was just myths.
Why did you choose the politics of Islam for your PhD?
I wanted to find out whether the political scene is really as slick, dirty and as masculine as people think, and whether Islamic politics really conflicts with the modern perspective.
It turned out that the preconceived notion was untrue. Islam is very modern, I would even say it's radical. Unfortunately, the ideas are not being developed and promoted.
The concept of an Islamic country is not merely about cutting criminals' hands off, stoning adulterers or the obligation for women to wear jilbab.
If you look into the literature, there are many forms offered and there are many variants involved in the form of Islamic government or a country. In the long history of Islam, it has been different from time to time.
Which means there is no single standard concept about the form of a country. Instead, it has to suit the situation and the condition of the society, and its preference. Be it a kingdom or a republic, it's OK.
Islam only gives basic principles that must be upheld in a governmental system. They refer to the tauhid concept of worshiping only one God. Thus, the rest of the creatures are equal, and this is the root of the real democracy.
So, the concept of egality, fraternity and equality must not be claimed as Western values, and Muslims must not think of it as Western related. It's a universal value. And those concepts were already practiced ideally in the period of Prophet Muhammad in the seventh century.
What about sharia law?
Sharia must be based on the Islamic principles mentioned earlier, and it has to constantly accommodate those universal principles.
There must not be any coercion. Women may wear jilbab if they want to. If they don't, no problem. There is no single directive saying that (not wearing) jilbab is something haram (forbidden) or not.
I personally think jilbab is a fashion statement. You may wear it if you're comfortable, or if you believe it's part of your religion. But it doesn't concern other people. It's your personal choice and matter.
But isn't the nature of religion to spread its teachings?
There are some absolute teachings that cannot be rejected, Some dogmatic issues that you can't say no to. Like there is only one God, or monotheism, and that Muhammad is the prophet and the messenger of God. Well, basically the five pillars of Islam and six pillars of faith.
That's all. The rest can be negotiated. Like jilbab, it's ikhtilaf, which means there are different opinions on it. It's not something that is agreed upon unconditionally.
Every religious follower must think that their religion is the most tenable. Now, how do we manage it so that people can live harmoniously while still holding to that claim.
My belief in Islam, for instance, must not hamper me from appreciating other religions, from accepting another religion's righteousness, and from interacting with other religious followers.
Unfortunately, those things have yet to be implemented in our society.
What went wrong?
Because people perceive religion as divine, therefore it must not be criticized.
Now, how to explain to society that religious teachings consist of basic principles, which are absolute, and nonbasic principles which are the interpretation of the basic principles. The latter are not absolute.
At that time, the principles perhaps were suitable, but is it really so now? Therefore, let's evaluate, reread. Let's pick the suitable ones, and the rest ... Well, religion is made for the benefit of humans.
The problem is that religion has always been for God, to worship God. Therefore, it doesn't bring positivity to humanity.
A man prays all the time, fasts and performs the haj, but he still beats his wife. It's such a sad irony. Religion must bring peace to other people. God doesn't need anything. He doesn't need to be worshiped, He's already perfect.
Since religion is contextual, is it still needed?
It depends on the individual. If he or she thinks religion doesn't bring peace of mind, then there's no use in having a religion. Just follow your conscience, seriously.
No matter how people sugarcoat things, I personally consider Islam very patriarchal. What do you say to that?
That's the problem. Because Islam descends from the very patriarchal Arab society, so a patriarchal interpretation is inevitable.
Religion is considered very sacred so that only certain people can read the literature and explore the teachings. There are hardly any women ulema, because since we're little, the ulema has always been associated with men.
There was the prohibition for women to serve as a witness in marriage, because back then, maybe it was not easy to seek capable and intellectual women. But not now. Ditto for the marriage guardian for women. If women are mature and can decide for themselves, why need the guardian? ...
Since you wrote your PhD dissertation about politics, how come you are not involved in practical politics?
Because it's still pretty much a man's world ... True, I should start to get involved and tidy things up. But maybe later, when I'm retired, which is like 14 years from now (laughs).
The political scene is still very much a jungle, so let's clean it up, little by little, to make it more women friendly.

Labels: Islam

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When is three, or four; a crowd in a marriage?

Sunday, September 23, 2001

JAKARTA (JP): Before Hercules and Xena were broadcast on local television, no one ever made a fuss about my name. But things changed when the series appeared on TV several years ago.
I suddenly became an evil Greek goddess and step-mother to my friends and people who just met me.
People would say to me, "Where's Hercules?" or "Oooh, bad, bad goddess!" And I just smiled or rolled my eyes.
Sometimes I would reply, "Well, I don't blame her. Zeus isn't the most loyal husband on the planet (or in heaven)."
I am no feminist. It is just that growing up in a family where polygamy was practiced allowed me to empathize with Zeus' wife.
My father is monogamous, well at least as far as we know. It was my late grandfather from my mother's side who was a polygamist.
He had three wives, and a total of 11 children from them. Five from each of his first two wives, and one from his third wife.
My mother is the first child from the first wife, or my grandmother, who has been living with us ever since my mother married my father.
Until he passed away over a decade ago, my grandfather, who was an Army officer, lived with his second wife while his third lived in another house, but in the same city as us.
When I was a little, the polygamy thing never bothered me. It was just a bit confusing because I had four grandmothers while my friends only had two.
But then my mother explained to me that in Islam, men are allowed to have up to four wives.
Later on, having almost a dozen uncles and aunts became quite a kick for me. There were lots of weddings to go to, I had a bunch of cute little cousins and a pocketful of money on the post-fasting month holiday of Lebaran.
The funny thing is the physical resemblance between my grandfather's children and grandchildren. Some of them really look alike and have similar voices.
I look more like my step-aunt from my grandfather's second wife than my own parents, which makes some people conclude that I was adopted.
Another thing is the way the grandchildren refer to our grandmothers. It is based on where they live.
However, as I grew up, it was not that funny anymore. I began to see the pain and consequences of polygamy.
If only my grandfather had been monogamous, he would have been better off financially. But instead, he had to struggle to support his family, leaving a generation with a lack of education and affection.
Only two of his children went to university. My mother married at the age 18 and, together with my father, had to support some of her siblings, as well as my grandmother, who became very bitter after her husband married another wife.
Beside physical resemblances, my uncles and aunts also share psychological ones. The women tend to marry the wrong kind of men, and one has even continued the legacy, becoming the third wife of a businessman twice her age.
Meanwhile, the men are either disloyal to their wives or dominated by them.
There are also what we call the soap opera moments. My grandmother hates the other wives, although she has nothing against their children. So I have to lie whenever I go to visit my step-grandmothers.
The second wife, although penitent now, used to be the typical wicked step-mother.
Funny thing is, she does not know about the third wife, so we have to keep that a secret since she has a heart problem (she does not read The Jakarta Post, so I don't feel guilty).
Her children also found out about it just before my grandfather passed away. Their initial reaction was anger and they treated my youngest aunt badly.
Until my mother had to remind them they are not in the right position to do because their mother herself is the second wife.
There are still many stories, too many to tell, from my experience and also my friend's which show how messed up thing can become from a practice called polygamy.
With those experiences, I feel like I do not understand polygamy at all. For me, love and marriage is a one-on-one game. Three's a crowd, let alone more than three.
Or as my mother put it, God allows polygamy only with conditions, and there are risks to it. If the risk means producing an injured generation that can only recover two generations later, I do not see it as an option in marriage. Whatever the reason is.
-- Hera Diani

Labels: Islam

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